The Bonkathon we have to have: in praise of thinking ahead

365 consecutive days of sex:  “The Bonkathon”.

It was the most commented-on article last weekend in the Sydney Morning Herald and explored the effects of a decision made by a US couple to do it every day, rain, hail or shine. 

So how does that strike you as a way to spend a year?  Sex, I was told quite a long time ago, is like oxygen: really no big deal unless you’re not getting any (?)  Possibly the reverse is also true.  Rain, hail or shine?  Absolutely every day for a year?  The SMH article detailed two couples, actually- one that went after it for 101 days, the other the full year.  Both talked about the benefits:  increased intimacy, less pressure to perform, confidence that they were taking the time they needed for one another.  No muscle strains or complaints from neighbours were mentioned.   I reckon the interviewer was too polite to ask.

Aside from those of you who are blissful newly-weds or happily-putting-it-out-there-singles (stop smirking, you know who you are) at some point in every developed relationship the issue of sex rears its ugly head (gosh… no pun intended there.)   And at various points of the life journey- small people arriving, career taking off, mother-in-law in the bedroom next door- sex is one of those things, like vacuuming your cornices, that sometimes just doesn’t get done.   Lack of interest?  Lack of love?  Lack of physical prowess?  Maybe…

It wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibility to suggest that around the same time as the sex thing comes up you might also hear complaints about a lack of spontaneity in other areas: no time to go out for dinner together, you never tell me I look hot in that dress, not enough flowers coming home along with the empty lunchbox...

Thoughtfulness is under attack.

Call me unromantic, but is it possible there’s a case to be made for planned ‘thoughtfulness’?  In a busy world, if it’s not planned, it tends not to get done.  Maybe there are a few geniuses out there who can juggle life and have enough left over to genuinely, on the spur of the moment, think of a card of appreciation for a stressed spouse; a little gift for a child who’s done well; the right ingredients for a surprise romantic Tuesday night dinner after the children are in bed… Well hats off to us!  OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS ARE THE LUCKIEST IN THE WORLD!

For the rest of you, there’s iCalendar! 

(Yeah all right... most of the time I’m not in the category above, I’m in this one and I’m not very good at that either.)  Why do people assume that planning things in advance makes them somehow less valuable?  Is there anything less genuine about asking yourself at the start of the month: where are the opportunities to spend time with my children, my significant other, my friends or people who might need a bit of a cheering-up moment?  Is there really anything less genuine about planning four times a year, at random moments, to ‘spontaneously’ bring your spouse home a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers and sticking a reminder in your iphone so you don’t forget? 

And is it possible to plan your intimate moments as well?  Maybe not going so far as marking SEX in red texta on your fridge calendar next to the kids soccer game, or even sticking it into your (possibly shared with work mates via The Cloud) iCalendar, but at least monitoring and planning the situation a bit more rigorously?  Does the fact that it’s ‘less spontaneous’ make it less genuine and therefore less worthy?

Well, not according to our once a day Bonk-Meisters.  “Routine” actually made the whole process more intimate and pleasurable, according to the sexperts.  Kind of makes sense, if you think about it. 

a)    Planning for something makes sure it gets done, and call me crazy, but in a relationship it seems like there are lots of good reasons to ‘get sex done’ on a fairly regular basis.  Leave it up to chance, leave it up to feelings and good will, leave it up to all the stars being aligned… little risky long term, don’t you think? 

b)   Our habits are what form our characters.  Assuming that both people actually do enjoy a sexual relationship in the first place, it’s reasonable to imagine they’d want the character of that sexual relationship to grow and mature and develop with time.  In fact, the reverse often seems to happen.  Sure, it sounds boring to say that sex is ‘a habit’. But like making a habit of only speaking well of people- something that soon becomes part of your character- making a habit of prioritising and planning for intimacy probably also becomes a natural part of the character of a relationship too. 

c)    Feelings often follow actions.  How many times have you forced yourself to go for a run and felt better afterwards?  Been nice to a random stranger in spite of not feeling particularly cheerful and felt yourself uplifted by the experience?  It’s probably not that helpful only to act when we feel emotions compelling us to do so.  Emotions can be a bit unreliable.  Starting down the path often opens up the view to us halfway.   (Of course there are provisos on all that along the lines of 'don’t be deceptive', but hopefully we’re all big enough to figure that stuff out as well.)

Nothing new here really- stressed out couples with small children gallantly isolate “Date Night” every couple of months and round up the babysitter, for example.  It doesn’t have to be as grand as a whole night out though and it probably doesn’t even have to be mutually agreed upon.  A little bit of “Secret Planned Spontaneous Thoughtfulness” of any kind is hopefully always going to be appreciated, even if it doesn’t always end quite the way you’ve imagined…  It’s the journey, not the destination that matters, right?  Even just putting it on the radar is probably going to be useful!  Our habits become our characters and to habitually plan for thoughtfulness in every area of our relationships?  Can’t go wrong, I reckon.

Right, well, that’s my thought for the weekend.  And because this is such a dodgy topic to blog on, and now you’re all wondering about my sex life, My Significant Other would like you to know that this is a scholarly article, based entirely on professional focus groups and not only does he ALWAYS bring great gifts, he’s also… okay, I think we’ll leave it there.  And if you find his iphone can you return it immediately. 

 

The glam nails I'm hanging onto

I had my nails painted for only the second time in my life while I was in India.

The first time was for our wedding- clear varnish, short nails.  This time, in a concrete school room by the night-time glow of a TV surrounded by children of all ages, I was offered a choice of violent pea green or pearl pink.  Hmmm….

“Nice hands, Miss!” the girls enthused as they expertly applied two pink coats and then a follow-up layer of glitter.  

Beautiful liars.  My nails are comprehensively nibbled, three fingers broken playing sport.  I showed them a couple of scars- a dog food can, a pen knife and a wine glass.  They could hardly get enough of the stories.

We sat together for an hour and watched “Indian Idol- India vs Pakistan.”  Now there’s a competition… We segued into the girls’ favourite soap opera in Hindi and they pointed out the hot ‘hero boy’.  I’d already spotted him, actually.  They giggled a lot.  I could’ve been anywhere.

 The following morning, Jem and Brydie were gobsmacked by my transformation.

“But you NEVER let us paint your nails!”

Sheepish, I put my hands back into my pockets and suggested they have theirs done that afternoon.

These are the moments that sit in my memory alongside kilometre after kilometre of absolutely bewildering human need.  Forehead pressed to the window of our bus, a world of deprivation slides by:  children and skeletal dogs, men rocking on their haunches by the side of the road, pitiful dwellings held together with string and bags and mud and branches. Everywhere, the discarded bits and pieces of peoples lives left behind after every last item has been picked over for something that can be re-used or sold for scrap.  In many places the streets bleed garbage and we breathe thick smog.

The sheer scope and scale of need in this country is mind numbing.  The reality here is that millions of men, women and children will be born into poverty and die the same way.  They will expect nothing more.  And they will get it.

When I think about our paltry efforts to assist- a school here, a medical clinic there, emergency relief somewhere else- the enormity of the need beside the tininess of our giving seems laughable.    The magnitude of this need appears to dwarf every giving program, every Government intervention and every NGO on the planet.  I am sick with the despair of it.

And yet to come away dwarfed and defeated by the need is to come away with the memory of my unexpectedly transformed nails relegated to  memory’s garbage along with so much else in India.  Because the children in Durgapur who so carefully painted those nails will have a different future from their parents.   Once considered ‘Untouchable’, unable to access even the most basic of schooling or employment, these children are attending school alongside their higher caste neighbours.  The girls are likely to marry later in life and will be healthier and less likely to die early from pregnancy-related complications- the leading cause of death among girls aged 15-24 in the developing world.  Some will go on to university.  Many will find basic jobs and work their way into homes with electricity, water, an indoor toilet.  Some will go far further. 

On the huge tide of human need, these little life rafts are well worth celebrating.

Every piece of research we have on giving indicates that people will give to things they believe they can change.  “Overcoming poverty in India”, whole-scale, is not one of those things.  But connecting with one life- one community- and providing education or health care that can make the difference between grinding poverty and actually getting by- well, that’s a different story.

It’s one of the main reasons people sponsor children. Child Sponsorship provides people with a tangible sense that they have broken the overwhelming problem of poverty down to a manageable size.  On the one hand it’s an illusion- on the other, how else can we respond other than to concentrate on the personal?  Every ocean is made up of a million drops.  Every person matters. 

But there’s a major problem with traditional Child Sponsorship programs. When only individual children are singled out to receive funding, others in the community are left behind.  We met children in the Hostel in Durgapur- not part of the UnitingWorld programs we were visiting- who are the recipients of Child Sponsorship from Churches in the US; they receive extra tuition, uniforms and all the benefits of on-site living.  Their friends and relatives remain stuck in slum communities just down the road.  There’s no widespread benefit from the Sponsorship and as a result, life only changes for the randomly privileged few. 

I didn’t ask directly how the children felt about this.  But when we arrived they had just returned from a brief holiday with their families and it was clear that leaving their homes- and for some, leaving close friends- to return to the Hostel was a bittersweet experience. 

Not all Sponsorship programs work this way.  Child Centered Community Development, funded by Child Sponsorship, is a different kettle of fish altogether.  This model retains the value of personalised relationships between the donor and the children because Child Ambassadors are chosen from each community and matched with donors, who keep photographs and profiles of the child and community to which they belong.  But all Sponsorship money is used to further child centered development in the entire community, for all children.  The child ambassadors maintain relationships with donors, writing letters to update them on progress being made for children in the whole community.  It’s a much fairer way to do Child Sponsorship and it’s probably the best of both worlds because it keeps the personal connection while maintaining good development principles in the communities themselves. 

My nail glam was all but gone within 48 hours- scraped and scratched off by the rigours of travel.  But even now, almost two weeks later, whenever I bite my nails I can taste the bitter chemical tang of the polish.  And that’s not all.  Whenever my mind begins to flash through the vast landscape of need we wandered in our short stay in India, as it’s prone to do whenever my heart sinks and my mind darkens, I gently pull myself back to those moments:  the concentration of my beauty therapists, Jem and Brydie dancing with the children, Doug playing cricket, Arjun patiently teaching me his name and throwing his arm around Raoul for yet another photo, Lata quietly beckoning me to follow her through the crowded lane to the very end of the slum where she showed me, proudly, her one room home. 

Individual moments.  Individual people.

Life changes because of moments like these.  I can’t change the world.  But I’m sure as hell not going to turn away from it because the need is so great that I simply can’t face it.   Driving through Agra I listened to my favourite Jimmy Little album “Resonate” and once again these words lodge in my chest:

“We cannot do great things, only small things with great love.”

Here’s some small things to consider:

1.     If you’re part of a family of 4 earning a total family income of $80,000 after tax, you’re in the top 4.8% of income earners in the world, earning 18 times more than the average person.  If you gave away 10% of that income, you’d still be earning 16 times more than the average person.  Is there any chance you can give regularly, or increase your giving, to a program that will change the living conditions of someone else?  Check out http://www.givingwhatwecan.org/why-give/how-rich-you-are for more stats on giving.

2.     To find out about the program we just visited and to consider giving to it, check it out here. http://www.unitingworld.org.au/programs/relief-and-development/right-to-learn/

3.     If you sponsor a child, PLEASE make sure it’s through an Agency that does Child Centered Community Development and benefits whole communities not just individual children.  I can recommend this  https://www.baptistworldaid.org.au/what-we-do/child-sponsorship/